Forum: Close to Home
Topic: Compulsive Overeating
Topic Posted by: Linda G (ljg4c@virginia.edu )Date Posted: Sun Apr 5 13:32:13 1998
Topic Description: To whom it may concern: I have an addictive problem with food, which I hope the terrific program on addiction, "Close to Home", will include in some follow-up work. For much certainly rang true to me as I watched the program. I imagine even some of the medical angles would have something to say about my problem. Anyway, Wednesday evening, the evening following the series, I re-entered Overeaters Anonymous, which I had left two years before, and the following is some thoughts I have written since that I think would sure feel good to express to this site... Thank you, Linda Here goes... April 3, 1998 On My Disease of Addiction, Some Thoughts Emerging Over Time I'm beginning to see my addiction in a new light for me, although much of this may be quite obvious to others, or actually seem rather skewed. But here goes... I now feel uncomfortable seeing food or compulsive over-eating as the enemy I need to fight, although I am definitely beginning to sense a fundamental on-going struggle and challenge I have ahead of me if I want to really begin and sustain recovery from compulsive over-eating. At this point, and maybe I'm way off base here, I want to remember and deeply respect the fact that food has been at the very center of my life, not unlike Linus' blanket (you know, from the *Peanuts* cartoons). It seems to me that my mind has established an ingenious relationship with it, an experiential, even depths-of-me-*saving* relationship. But, and this is a big BUT (no pun intended), with the forming of that relationship, it seems some sort of split occurred within me. It seems that an in-depth part of me has found some process that works for it, that somehow sustains it (in my case, compulsive over-eating: a behavior that, without question, provides somehow, perhaps through some powerfully symbolic experience, a profound base to my life). On the one hand, I feel the need to respect what this part of me is doing, for if this part of me was to remain, or were now to go back to being, significantly unaddressed, I think it would have, or will, die, and the rest of me will die along with it. On the other hand, if I leave the whole of myself to only the task of addressing the central and deepest parts of me, the rest of me is vulnerable to being endlessly compromised. Eventually, it won't matter if the depths of me are being addressed, for that will be eclipsed by the outer collapse, perhaps even physical death. For example, with compulsive over-eating, of course, my body simply can't sustain this way that my mind has found to address depth-levels of me. I must constantly remind myself that it doesn't take much over-eating to begin to break my body down, to considerably lessen it's functioning--outside of eating--and that, of course, progressively engaging in the addiction, will only break it down further. Plus, and equally damaging, as with any addictive behavior, especially when it's full-fledged and the depths are being somehow significantly addressed, is the likelihood that other parts of me are being marginalized or even becoming atrophied. It no longer feels, for example, like my consciousness is an active agent in my total well-being. Rather, my consciousness feels like a marginalized, frustrated aspect of me, either throwing up its hands in exasperation; or sitting in a corner twiddling its thumbs; or going its own dry, cold, and bitter way. So, a split in me seems to have happened, maybe even needed to happen, considering what has been my fundamental cluelessness. And I think this split is underlying my very real disease, but I also think the "enemy" I really need to struggle with is at least 2 rapidly exchanging mindsets in relation to my disease: One mindset is seeing this split as an atrocious event/condition in and of itself--not to say that it isn't absolutely terrifying in some ways, especially since it seems to be working at the depths of me. The other mindset is seeing this split as an end in and of itself, for after all, the in-depth level of me is being, in some singular way, significantly addressed through this split and my addictive behavior. Both mindsets may be understandable attempts to grasp, or to live with, what's happening to me with this frightening, in- depth disease, but I don't think they can fundamentally heal the split, if a split has indeed happened. Healing my disease, I think, involves forever respecting what my mind has accomplished for the depths of me with its ingenious use of food. My healing also involves, however, an understanding that such a step was a monumental risk taken by a part of me (unwittingly or not is another issue), and that if the process ends there, with compulsive over-eating, or any addictive behavior, the risk will have been a fatal one. Also, and just as significant to my healing as the mental process of working to better understand my disease and the journey I'm on, is, of course--and, without doubt, the fundamental challenge of my life-time, which will be a challenge my whole life through--is to take up and sustain this journey in my actual, day-to-day, life. On this journey, the next and forever-after goal for me for me is the practice of abstinence from compulsive over-eating. I'm beginning to think of this entry into the next level as--please bear with me here--a divorce from a companion I've loved dearly but have outgrown, or, more accurately, need to outgrow. And thinking of a divorce in this case as necessary and as happening on the best of terms, I imagine my challenge to be reinventing my relationship with food to be something like this: We need to remain on good terms, coming together consistently for the kids, so to speak, but also in order to consistently remember the depths my ex-partner has helped me attend to *and* to enjoy a new relationship with my ex- partner that is one of many of the joys of being alive rather than the primary source for my deepest well-being. Attending to my deepest well-being most definitely needs to be dealt with, but, after the "divorce," I need to do so in ways that include the whole of me, which means picking up with my journey and going above and beyond this earlier, absolutely in-depth, but *fatally narrow and compromising* relationship. One more note. I'm beginning to sense that maybe, just maybe, an *exceptionally* nurturing, intelligent, generous, and humorous couple, who also had an extraordinarily firm grasp of human nature, the depths and the breadths of it, and who put what they knew into their every-day lives... Well, perhaps such a couple could have gotten me really successfully onto this fundamental journey-of-a- lifetime without some sort of radical event/condition happening, like my turn to addictive eating. But I'm not too surprised that that didn't happen for me. Others have experienced what I can only imagine to be terrible exacerbation of this fundamental vulnerability as they have gone through life within their family and otherwise, which certainly needs addressing. Relatively speaking, however, I'm actually quite fortunate as far as such salt-in-the-wounds misfortune goes. I actually enjoy my folks quite a bit, but they, like most of us, I think, are, on a fundamental level, rather clueless too, split without realizing it, as I have been. Although that possible split in them is not manifested like mine is, I imagine it's there, with a very deep part of each of them taking care of itself, in spite of the fundamental cluelessness of each as a whole. Ultimately, I think my addiction is part of a fundamental human problem these days, part of a very strong drive (the intensity of which is perhaps genetically, environmentally, and even spiritually based; and perhaps significantly--though maybe not--I also have manic-depression), a very strong drive for an in- depth life, which is naturally *awfully tricky* to come by. *I* couldn't do it--I had no clue about any of this--and keep wholly intact. But as we learn more and more about what is happening to us--genetically, environmentally, and spiritually--and bring into our lives what we learn, perhaps more and more people will come by a truly in-depth life without necessitating a split like this into addictive behavior, or the like. Even so--and this seems crucial to remember forever--such a task will no doubt always *remain* the most vulnerable of journeys. For it seems the deepest parts of ourselves will forever strive to be significantly attended to in some way, shape, or form, no matter how clue-full or clue-less our other parts are.
| sorry about the formatting (Yikes!) | Linda G | Sun Apr 5 13:39:02 1998 |